My Mask and Cape

It’s one of those days. You know the kind. You spent a little longer getting ready in the morning. You’re not only having a good hair day, but a good make-up day too! (Which we all know is usually one or the other) You wear your favorite outfit to give you that extra pop of confidence because you usually feel so good in it! You put in all the effort to make this be a great day, but it’s not a great day.

I wear this never-ending rain cloud over my head well. Most days I can pretend it’s not there and just keep up with attitude that I don’t care and it doesn’t bother me when he stands me up…again. The attitude where I pretend not to hear all the whispers from people as I walk past them. The attitude where I pretend I’m really happy with myself and my life…. But when I’m alone it’s hard to keep the show going. It’s hard being the Entertainer and the Audience at the same time. Especially when the mirror shows the reality of it all. I’m not Super Woman, as much as I like to think I can do it all. I’m not as strong as I appear, as optimistic as I seem to others, or hopeful as I like to wish.

My mind is like a fast pace kaleidoscope, just racing all the time with multiple different thoughts going at once. They never seem to slow down or stop. Even when I’m deep in thought, it’s never a single thought. It’s multiple thoughts that scatter around each other. You think that with as busy and fast pace as my life is, I’d be more apt to move on from things. And I am… in a way. I put things to the side and refuse to think of them by distracting myself with the other million thoughts in my head. But I never deal with it. I just defer it a little longer.

If you were to ever meet me in person and ask if I was over my ex, I would probably laugh and make a funny comment about how much happier I am without him and his lousy performance in the bedroom. However, if you were a fly on the wall when I’m alone, most likely driving and listening to music, you’d see a tear or two slip away from my eyes. You’d see me glance over to my passenger seat on occasion and smile as I replay the memories of him holding my hand in the car, or the memories of him gleaming with happiness that I accepted the invitation to be his girlfriend again and how he couldn’t hide how happy he was and he reached over and kissed my cheek. He always had a way of making me smile. Though the words he last spoke to me still haunt me, it’s hard not to miss his spider veins and the way I felt when he use to hold me. Those last words play like a broken record in the back of my head constantly. “I don’t want you.” “I don’t love you” “I can’t make myself want you.” “I can’t make myself love you.” Deeming me as two of my biggest fears in my life, unwanted and unloved. In all honestly, most days, most nights, fewer car rides alone, I am over my ex. He crushed me. I don’t like to admit that he broke my heart, but he did. I find myself second guessing myself all the time now. Especially now that I’m dating again. And then there was the turn around guy who lit a spark in me that I thought would never again be lit.

My turn around guy. The guy that filled me up again thinking that maybe my ex was wrong. The guy that made me feel like I was special. For the first time in a long time, I felt pretty. I felt happy. I felt wanted. With him, I didn’t have to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I could just be “Meg“. A person that hides from 99% of the people she comes in contact with. A person that comes out when shades are drawn and no ones around. The girl who cries at Disney Princess movies because she wants to feel that special. The girl who laughs at every episode of the Office. The girl who loves chocolate, but hates white chocolate. The girl who wants adventure, but hates to admit she doesn’t want them alone.I didn’t have to wear my mask or my Super Woman cape when I was with him. Just being “Meg“, he told me I was the most genuine and sweet and beautiful person he had ever met. Him and his roommates would call me “Angel” because of how sweet, caring, genuine, and pretty I was. It is one of my favorite nicknames I have ever received from anyone. 

Needless to say with my over thinking, self-doubt, and awkwardness, things didn’t work out between me and turn around guy. He had someone break his heart too. I honestly believe that if neither of us had our hearts broken before, that there could have been something magical and real between us. But we were both scared of getting hurt again. Scared of seeing the same results. My turn around guy is a great guy and I do wish nothing but happiness for him. However, he ended up letting me down. I believed him, thought he was different, and trusted that he meant what he said. I know he promised with the best of intentions, but he just couldn’t live up to the promises. And with that, he continued to get my hopes up and I would watch them fall, over and over and over again. Towards the end of our little fling, he apologized for everything and wanted to make it up to me and wanted to try again. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But as weeks past and plans continued to fall through and the texts got brief and further apart, I had to come to the realization that every girls hates to reach. If he wanted to be with me, he’d be with me. He’s just not that into me. Sucks to hear, but it’s true. I think he started to talking to someone else. Which sucked too, but it happens. My turn around guy did do something that I will always be thankful for.

He reminded me what butterflies feel like.

I try my hardest, I really do. I know to some it doesn’t seem like it. But I’m trying to keep my head above the water. I’m trying not to drown in it all. I like to think it’s working. Though sometimes I feel I’m getting swept away in the tides. I trust God. I know he’s going to lead me where I need to be, with the people I need to be with.

 I’ll just keep wearing my mask and cape until my own Super Man comes to my rescue and shows me that I am enough without them.

 

To trying to find your way in the world,

Just Meg

xoxo

Nightmares

Trapped in my own personal Hell as I sleep

Whenever I’m stressed I get them. It’s like an old terrifying memory on repeat. It plays over and over and over again. When will the nightmares stop? It’s been over two years since it happened. It got to the point once where I stayed up for four nights straight. Didn’t sleep for over 48 hours. I got sick from it and really worn down. I’m not scare to sleep anymore. It’s not like I’m seeing anything I haven’t seen before in my sleep. But it still shakes me up. I just want the nightmares to be gone forever and never come back.

It’s the same nightmare each time. But each nightmare it differs from point of view. Sometimes, it’s in my own perspective from the night it actually happened, and others I’m floating over the horrifying scene to see it happening to me from above the bed. That’s the scariest one. That’s the one that gets to me. When I’m floating above I can see how scared I was, how hard I tried to fight back, how much I kept trying to get away. I can see the tears streaming down my face and into my mouth as I’m crying out loud for him to stop. In my nightmare when I’m floating above my attack, I try screaming for someone to come into the room. I know it sounds weird but if I could see what would’ve happened if someone had intervened or tried to help me, I wonder what the outcome would’ve been. Would Drew have tried to kill me for successfully getting help? Would he beat me to death? Would he sitting in a jail cell now? I wish I could save myself in my nightmare. I wish I could have saved myself back then.

 

I can see everything in my nightmare. Every detail. Every bruise, cut, scratch, red mark, hand print, sweat, tears, facial expressions, I can see it all. I can see him puffing his cheeks out as he continues to violate my body. He never stops. He never even paused for a moment to think about stopping.

When the nightmare is in my own perspective of the night it happened, I say the same things I said that night, “No!” “Stop!” “Please!” “You’re hurting me!” It’s like reliving the worst night of my life in my sleep. I can feel it happening to me all over again. It hurts me like it did that night. I feel every bruise, cut, scratch, red mark, hand print, sweat and my tears. I have to fight back all over again. But I never can stop him. I hate feeling him in my nightmare. I hate seeing him in my nightmares. I hate having to start over again every morning after the nightmare. It’s all in my mind though. It’s not actually happening again to me. I’m trapped in my own mind.

Whenever I’m stressed, it triggers it all. It doesn’t come back in glimpses, or foggy lenses, or even in small amounts. Once that trigger is pulled, its like a bullet of a memory that gets lodged into your mind and you can’t do anything but let it run its course until it’s over.

It makes me so restless the next few days. I’m so tired. All I want to do is sleep but I can’t sleep without seeing it happen. I’m run down right now, and I feel bad because when I’m tired I can be a little moody. My family doesn’t understand. No one understands. They tell me I need to get over it. They don’t realize it’s not that easy. I’m constantly working to get better. It’s just a hard process. I have a very close family and we all love each other very much. But it’s always been hard for me to reach out when I needed something from them. I don’t like talking to them about things that have happened to me. They all have so much going on and to talk to them about something that happened two years ago seems like such a burden to put on them.

All I want to do is sleep. The past two nights I have crawled into my sister’s room in the middle of the night to sleep in there because I awoke from the nightmares in terror. Whenever I wake up from the nightmare I always feel like either I got free from him in the room and I can escape, or that I got free but he’s coming after me. I hope one day I can put my head down to sleep after a really stressful day and not have to worry about reliving my rape again. I know it won’t be like this forever. It’s just getting harder to deal with now. I just keep pushing off to the side. I can’t keep doing that though because I’m having a hard time with it right now and nobody knows it but me. Once I sleep through the night without having to relive it.

Here’s to hoping I get some actual sleep tonight,

Just Meg

xoxo

Hmmm better not…

Today, out of the blue, it happened. A moment of weakness struck me and I relapsed. I thought about him. I thought about my ex.

However, the thoughts I had weren’t evil nor mean. They were just thoughts. But can a thought about an ex, really just be a thought? If I could think about him and our memories of being a couple without actually having any feelings for the guy, it wouldn’t bother me so much. That’s what gets us, though. It’s the not the thought of how he use to stare at you while you read your kindle in bed, it’s the feeling you had when you would catch him making that face. You know that face that every guy makes when you can just tell he really loves you. The face he started giving you before he actually spoke the words that you keep in your mind like a broken record to play over and over again.

“I love you”

Terrifying words aren’t they? So bare and naked. Just stumbling out of his mouth one night and shook my world up like a hurricane. Those words aren’t suppose to be terrifying, rather peaceful and delicate. Similar to an orchid, just floating elegantly in the water without disturbance. One day I’ll get my orchid.

I wish there was a way to warn yourself that he’s going to pop up in your mind that day. So you can dodge it or avoid the trigger to remind yourself of him. Life would be so much better if you can program your mind to have a virus detector for relationships.
“Your brain suspected a thought of THE EX, so we took care of the issue and removed it’s content from your thought process.”

Done. Problem solved. But that’s not the way life works. We have to handle these situations and thoughts when they arise. I’ve always been one to just deal with things internally. Look happy and fine on the outside. A giant mess on the inside. It’s how I dealt with so much growing up, that it’s caused so many problems for me now. It caused problems with me and my ex.

So as my thought about him continued earlier, I had to remind myself that he wasn’t a great boyfriend. He wasn’t that guy I fell for anymore. He lied to me. He cheated on me. He broke endless amounts of promises. He broke my heart. That’s when the BIG thought came into my mind. I thought about confronting him about what he did.

I had it all planned out in my head. Park my car in the parking lot at his work, wait for him to walk to his car and then walk over to him, looking super hot, and catch him off guard. I wouldn’t yell or shout or swear. I would be calm, but I would be straight forward. Knowing how cowardly he really is, he’d probably be scared of me and worry I would cause a scene. But, I wouldn’t. I would ask him, “Why did you cheat on me?“, “Was it worth it?“, “How could you sleep with your best friend’s girlfriend?“, and “Why did you beg for me to date you to only cheat on me the whole time?“. I could see him at first denying it, but then giving me some bulls*&* excuse and story that I wouldn’t buy. Then I would end it by telling him that he made the wrong choice. He chose the wrong girl. He made a huge mistake. I feel sorry for him that he has sunken so low. He’d look at me all hurt and angry as I said, “Good-bye” and not “see you when I see you“. When we first started dating we promised we would never say good-bye to each other. It would always be “see you when I see you“. But I wouldn’t want to see him again so I would say “Good-bye”.

But then Fat Amy’s voice came over my thought intercom and said “Hmmm, better not…”. So I didn’t. Though, I honestly considered confronting him. I haven’t yet. Maybe one day I will gain the courage to stand up to him. But it wasn’t today. He lied to me our entire relationship, why would he start telling me the truth now? I don’t trust him enough to be honest with me.

So here’s to wishful thinking and playful imaginations,

Just Meg

xoxo

The Ex Files

The only respect I have left for my ex is privacy, so I will be changing his name to “Pathetic Loser“. Lol JK! I wish I could, I might refer to him as that quite frequently, but from this point on “Pathetic Loser” will also be disclosed as “Padriac“.

So here’s the scoop on Padriac, he is a pathetic loser. I’ve always left on good terms with my exes, but this one is hard not have a little sizzle of resentment and anger towards. Mostly because the guys I dated before him I only dated them for a few months. But Padriac and I were together for almost 2 years. And, to be honest, the first year was great.

I started dating Padriac at the end of my senior year of High School. He was a year below me, and we had gym class together. I know – super cheesey looking back at it all. lol. But nonetheless, there was something about Padriac that drew me towards him that year. When we first started dating we would swap stories of how we both liked each other for a while, but had both been too nervous to approach the other. That was however, until we had gym class together. Padriac would tell me how he use to puff out his shoulders when he walked passed me in the halls at school, and I would joke that I would try not to notice him walking by me. We were young, and had thought to be in love.

Needless to say, those days came to a haulting end. After our first year together, things got hard. Fights had begun to happen almost on a daily basis. Mostly from my end. I stopped trusting him. He had started lying to me. When he went away to college that Fall, things got worst. The lying got worst.

I tried to end it because I knew what was to come and I didn’t want us to hate each other in the long run. When I tried to end it with him, the words staggered out of my mouth like sharp boulders stabbing me with each word. Padriac fell to his knees and begged me not to give up on him, not to give up on us. He was crying hysterically and told me that things would get better and it was just a matter of time. Then he spoke the words that every girl dreams of hearing, but hearing it at the right time. Padriac had told me he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. My heart sank, and I started crying along side him. At that point in our relationship, I was sure I loved him, so I said I wanted that too. His face lit up the way it use to when he saw me. I hadn’t seen that in him that whole summer. I think that’s one of things that hurt the most. That I slowly saw the passion he once had for me, leave his heart.

So let’s cut to the chase of why he is pathetic loser! One week after dropping to his knees, crying like a baby, and telling me how he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me – HE BROKE UP WITH ME! Yeah apparently SO MUCH had changed in two days. That’s how long it had been since the pathetic loser had begged me to stay with him, and that’s how long it took him to be tagged in pictures on Facebook in another girls dorm room at 3 in the morning when he told me he was sick and in bed and couldn’t talk. (We’ll name that girl, “Tory”. She’s going to come back into play later in this story) So after a long phone call, we decided to take a break for a few days to cool off. He was coming home that weekend, we had made plans to go out Friday night and we’d talk about it and work it out.

Now, before I continue I need to mention my dog. My dog had been with my family and I for 13 long great years and had gotten really sick. We had to put him down the day after Padriac came home.

Now back to the pathetic loser, he came home like planned, and came over to my house. He came in to say good-bye to my dog, and then we went to his car. Where, oh yeah – he broke up with me. Now, I’ve never been the girl to cause a scene or act crazy per say, but this pissed me off! A week ago you were begging me on your hands and knees to stay with you, and telling me that you want to marry me, and now you’re breaking up with me? What kind of mind games was he playing? And to break up with me the night before we put my dog down? Screw you jack-ass!! I took off that ring he put on my finger and threw it at his face and told him to “eat s***”. Looking back at this in retrospect, I think it’s kind of funny. lol. But back then, I was crushed and heartbroken. I just made it through the doors when I fell to the ground in tears. I could literally feel my heart breaking. And he just drove off.

It was about almost two months of Ben & Jerry’s therapy when I started to feel a little better. Anyone who has been through a rough break up knows it’s incredibly hard to move on. But I was trying. I had started going on dates, I had lost 15 pounds, and was looking pretty good. And then it happened. He called. He was back from break and wanted to see me. I agreed. Nothing happened but it was hard being around him. He talked to me constantly when he was home. Then when he left back for school after break was over, and I didn’t hear from him. Until, he came home for Christmas Break. Then it happeend again. The pathetic loser I still had feelings for called. We hung out about twice, before he kissed me. And I swear I am not lying when I tell you, I was so stressed, nervous, excited, and confused that when he kissed me, my nose started bleeding! LOL! He helped me clean it up, and then I had to ask. “Why did you kiss me?”. And he told me he had been missing me. Which is what everyone wants to hear from an ex they still have feelings for. After a long conversation we decided to start seeing each other again. It didn’t go very well. We stopped a few weeks later when he went back to school. Then he came home for Spring Break. And wouldn’t you know? It happened again! He called me and wanted to see me. But this time, he wanted me back “for good” he claimed. He asked me back out. Just to be clear here – I said no. A few times. But he promised me to the moon and back that he had changed and he was here to say. So in a moment of weakness, I said yes.

Here’s where he reached a whole new level of being a pathetic loser and reached top notch DOUCHEBAG!!! He broke up with me the day before his break ended and he went back to school. I was DONE! He told me that he “didn’t want me anymore” “couldn’t make himself love me anymore” “I just wasn’t what he wanted” and oh my favorite “this hurts me more than it is hurting you”. & the Biggest Douchebag award goes to ….. PADRIAC!

Well as lovely as all those excuses sound, one of his friends from school called me a week later and told me what really happened…

                       Padriac had been cheating on me with his best friend’s girlfriend. Remember that girl Tory? Yeah he had taken MY CAR the night before we broke up and went to see her and fooled around with her in MY CAR! Meanwhile, I was at home, throwing up and waiting for him to bring me back a blue powerade – which he returned three hours later without! And oh to make matters even worst – HE STARTED DATING HIS BEST FRIEND’S GIRLFRIEND within days after we broke up!

As for his friends, I’m on great terms with them. I even hang out with a few of them now. Because they respected me enough to let me know what was going when my douchebag boyfriend was too sleezy to inform me that he had been screwing some other girl.

So if my pathetic loser douchebag ex ever reads this – Thank you for ending it with me. Because I would’ve stayed with you and I would’ve married you. And you would’ve hurt me all over again. Thanks to you – I’m going to find someone better and who actually gives a damn about me! And you –  you are stuck lying in the bed you made, with your best friends girlfriend. Good Luck with that!

 

Thank you for making me realize I am worth so much more than you ever had to offer me 🙂

To New Beginnings,

Just Meg

xoxo