My Mask and Cape

sohard

It’s one of those days. You know the kind. You spent a little longer getting ready in the morning. You’re not only having a good hair day, but a good make-up day too! (Which we all know is usually one or the other) You wear your favorite outfit to give you that extra pop of confidence because you usually feel so good in it! You put in all the effort to make this be a great day, but it’s not a great day.

I wear this never-ending rain cloud over my head well. Most days I can pretend it’s not there and just keep up with attitude that I don’t care and it doesn’t bother me when he stands me up…again. The attitude where I pretend not to hear all the whispers from people as I walk past them. The attitude where I pretend I’m really happy with myself and my life…. But when I’m alone it’s hard to keep the show going. It’s hard being the Entertainer and the Audience at the same time. Especially when the mirror shows the reality of it all. I’m not Super Woman, as much as I like to think I can do it all. I’m not as strong as I appear, as optimistic as I seem to others, or hopeful as I like to wish.

My mind is like a fast pace kaleidoscope, just racing all the time with multiple different thoughts going at once. They never seem to slow down or stop. Even when I’m deep in thought, it’s never a single thought. It’s multiple thoughts that scatter around each other. You think that with as busy and fast pace as my life is, I’d be more apt to move on from things. And I am… in a way. I put things to the side and refuse to think of them by distracting myself with the other million thoughts in my head. But I never deal with it. I just defer it a little longer.

If you were to ever meet me in person and ask if I was over my ex, I would probably laugh and make a funny comment about how much happier I am without him and his lousy performance in the bedroom. However, if you were a fly on the wall when I’m alone, most likely driving and listening to music, you’d see a tear or two slip away from my eyes. You’d see me glance over to my passenger seat on occasion and smile as I replay the memories of him holding my hand in the car, or the memories of him gleaming with happiness that I accepted the invitation to be his girlfriend again and how he couldn’t hide how happy he was and he reached over and kissed my cheek. He always had a way of making me smile. Though the words he last spoke to me still haunt me, it’s hard not to miss his spider veins and the way I felt when he use to hold me. Those last words play like a broken record in the back of my head constantly. “I don’t want you.” “I don’t love you” “I can’t make myself want you.” “I can’t make myself love you.” Deeming me as two of my biggest fears in my life, unwanted and unloved. In all honestly, most days, most nights, fewer car rides alone, I am over my ex. He crushed me. I don’t like to admit that he broke my heart, but he did. I find myself second guessing myself all the time now. Especially now that I’m dating again. And then there was the turn around guy who lit a spark in me that I thought would never again be lit.

My turn around guy. The guy that filled me up again thinking that maybe my ex was wrong. The guy that made me feel like I was special. For the first time in a long time, I felt pretty. I felt happy. I felt wanted. With him, I didn’t have to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I could just be “Meg“. A person that hides from 99% of the people she comes in contact with. A person that comes out when shades are drawn and no ones around. The girl who cries at Disney Princess movies because she wants to feel that special. The girl who laughs at every episode of the Office. The girl who loves chocolate, but hates white chocolate. The girl who wants adventure, but hates to admit she doesn’t want them alone.I didn’t have to wear my mask or my Super Woman cape when I was with him. Just being “Meg“, he told me I was the most genuine and sweet and beautiful person he had ever met. Him and his roommates would call me “Angel” because of how sweet, caring, genuine, and pretty I was. It is one of my favorite nicknames I have ever received from anyone. imagesCAK6SOZD

Needless to say with my over thinking, self-doubt, and awkwardness, things didn’t work out between me and turn around guy. He had someone break his heart too. I honestly believe that if neither of us had our hearts broken before, that there could have been something magical and real between us. But we were both scared of getting hurt again. Scared of seeing the same results. My turn around guy is a great guy and I do wish nothing but happiness for him. However, he ended up letting me down. I believed him, thought he was different, and trusted that he meant what he said. I know he promised with the best of intentions, but he just couldn’t live up to the promises. And with that, he continued to get my hopes up and I would watch them fall, over and over and over again. Towards the end of our little fling, he apologized for everything and wanted to make it up to me and wanted to try again. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But as weeks past and plans continued to fall through and the texts got brief and further apart, I had to come to the realization that every girls hates to reach. If he wanted to be with me, he’d be with me. He’s just not that into me. Sucks to hear, but it’s true. I think he started to talking to someone else. Which sucked too, but it happens. My turn around guy did do something that I will always be thankful for.

He reminded me what butterflies feel like.

I try my hardest, I really do. I know to some it doesn’t seem like it. But I’m trying to keep my head above the water. I’m trying not to drown in it all. I like to think it’s working. Though sometimes I feel I’m getting swept away in the tides. I trust God. I know he’s going to lead me where I need to be, with the people I need to be with.

 I’ll just keep wearing my mask and cape until my own Super Man comes to my rescue and shows me that I am enough without them.

 

To trying to find your way in the world,

Just Meg

xoxo

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False Alarm!

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Lately, I have been a little tense. So when I came home from work last Thursday to hear a loud noise coming from upstairs, my nerves got the best of me. I heard what sounded like someone walking around the upstairs of my condo, and what sounded like dropping the air conditioner in my sister’s room. I live with my sister, but she wasn’t home from work.

“Hello?” I yelled upstairs. And then I heard a loud sound that echoed the house. I got the hell out of there! I fell on my ass as I jumped back in fright! I got out of the condo, and whipped out of my phone to call my sister.

“Kiki, there’s someone upstairs!”

“Hang up and call the cops then!”imagesCA1B85IZ

I did just that. I dialed 911 and spoke to the dispatcher. As I explained what had happened he told me to go to my car and wait for the officers to get there, and to stay on the line with him until he did.

“Should I go check it out? I have a pocket knife and if you stay on the phone with me, I should be all set, right?” I asked

“Miss, do not go back into your home! And you should not be telling me you have a concealed weapon on you when three officers are on their way to you right now. Just be patient and remain calm.” The dispatcher responded.

A concealed weapon, really? I thought to myself. I spotted my neighbor pulling in next to me, “My neighbor just got home, should I tell him what’s going on?” I asked the dispatcher. “Yes. Tell him to not go out back, until the police get there.” He responded.

So I walked over to my neighbor, who okay I’ll admit it, is pretty cute, and I nonchalantly said, “Hey! Just letting you know that the cops are on their way over here because I came home to someone possibly robbing me upstairs. Just giving you a heads up so you don’t panic when the police get here.” His eyes widen as I told him, “S*&%, are you serious? I better tell my girlfriend to lock the doors.” I told him that was a good idea and as he was walking away I told him to not go out back until the police get here. He stood still for a second and then turned towards me. “I got an email today from the landlord saying that there were people going to be cleaning the gutters. There out back right now. Was it them that you heard?” He asked me. “No, it was coming from inside my place when I came home.” I answered back. He just kind of smiled and walked inside to warn his girlfriend.

imagesCAAHH51UThree police cars pulled up right after. Three officers and a K-9 dog got out. One came up to talk to me, one went out back with the dog, and one stood out by my front door. I was getting nervous and started shaking. I kept thinking that it was one of my brother’s friends coming to look for prescription pills, or it was my abusive ex boyfriend and he had found where I was living now, or it was a total stranger just stealing all of our stuff! The cop who was standing to me asked what happened and I told him what I had told the dispatcher I had spoken with on the phone. The cop with the dog came back up front and stood next to the one that was in standing by my front door. One cop pulled his weapon out and proceeded to go inside my place. My heart raced as I was worried to hear shots fired or screaming and shouting. I had no idea what was about to unfold. imagesCAI5M5LL

Minutes later, the cops came out. My sister was finally home and we were standing there as the cops walked up to us to inform us that there was no one inside and what I had heard was the latter the two men outside were using to clean the gutters!

I felt like a complete idiot! The cops walked us inside to double-check to make sure nothing was missing, which there wasn’t. Then I jumped when I heard the loud sound again. The office then told me that was the guys cleaning our gutters and there was nothing to worry about because they aren’t inside the house.

All in all, the cops were very good about my false alarm. Although, I was just in shock and scared silly, I guess it’s better than actually having someone in the house and stealing our belongings.

Here’s to the guys who clean my gutters,

Just Meg

xoxo

Trapped

trapped

Trapped

 

Trapped in a past

I can’t seem to break free from

Isolated by walls of mistakes

That no one can seem to get by

 

Weakened from a former love‘s wounds

Which can’t seem to heal

Pushed down by words of force

From people I once looked up to

 

Crawling for a way out of this

But escaping is useless

For it is impossible

To run from yourself

 

 

Regaining Faith

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Regaining Faith

I climb, I slip and I fall

Reaching for something to help me

Too weak to stand on my own

Too stubborn to give in

This is all I have ever truly wanted

& everything I use to stand against

But now I know I cannot do this alone

I need your loving arms to hold me

This constant struggle weakens me

But you give me strength to stand tall

By my side you’ve forever stood</p>

& now my eyes are open

& you’ve been there holding my hand all along.