I will always be second to my brother’s heroin addiction.

I will always be second to my brother’s heroin addiction.

Time and time again I express my feelings to my parents how uncomfortable and unsafe I feel around my brother. Time and time again I tell them that I will not go up to their house if he is there. I’ve stood my ground most of the time. However, my protective instinct for my nephew kicks in and I don’t want him to be the one who suffers because of my selfish feelings towards his father. I feel so bad for him. I was his age when his father’s addiction first started shaking up our family’s life. I’ve blocked out so many memories of my brother when I was younger. I guess years of therapy finally paid off in that sense. I didn’t want to remember those memories. They haunted me for years. However, since my brother’s heroin addiction has resurfaced, I find myself revisiting those memories again. Randomly, sporadically, they appear in my mind. I hate it.

I know he’s my brother and I’m suppose to always be there for him, and I feel like I’ve done that. However, I can’t keep living this lifestyle of his. It stresses me out. It makes me stand on edge. In the past month he’s been arrested for an OUI, crashed his car, lost his job, been in rehab twice, and have hurt everyone in my family.

The way he talks to me is cruel. My mother hates the girl who trashes me on twitter, yet she keeps allowing someone who treats me worst, calls me even more terrible names, and makes me feel unsafe, back in her house.

It hurts my feelings that as much as I stand up for every member in my family, they don’t stand up for me. I tell them how he makes me feel and how I stress when he’s around me. They keep allowing him to come back. It’s hard because I feel like they don’t care enough about how I feel or they don’t take it seriously. I’ll always be second to him and his addiction. What about what I’m going through? What about all the trials I’m facing with my own life? Why do I have to just deal with it? What can I do to make them understand how it hurts my feelings when they choose him over me again and again? He screws them over constantly. He insults my mother all the time. I stand up for her each time. He’s let terrible people into his lives. Why doesn’t my dad protect his family and kick my brother out? He’s not safe to be around. He’s dangerous. He’s manipulative. He does this act all the time like clock work. He shoots up -> parents kick him out -> apologizes or goes into a 24 hour rehab -> they let him back in -> he messes up again -> cycle repeats. It never stops.

I feel bad for my parents because I know they blame themselves for his addiction. They shouldn’t because that is all on him. The only thing I blame them for is to keep allowing him in the house.

What about my nephew?

I don’t want him to feel all those feelings that I felt when I was his age going through the same thing. When I was his age, I hated my parents. I knew my brother was doing bad things and I knew they kept allowing him to stay under the same roof as me. It bothered me so much. And as I child I felt like they didn’t care enough about me to protect me or keep me safe. They just kept allowing something wrong continue in their household. It took me a few years to realize that they just loved their son too much to keep putting him out of the house all the time. I feel so bad for them. I was able to move out and escape the constant nights of my brother’s problems. However, they are stuck there. The stress of his addiction ages us all.

I just want it to stop. I want him to get better. However, after almost 11 years of this, I know he’s not going to get better until he wants to get better. He needs to hit rock bottom. He was so close to that and they just let him back in. I can’t keep living in this life, like this. I’m always on edge. I’m always looking over my shoulder. I don’t eat. I barely sleep and when I do I sleep walk, sleep talk, and grind my teeth. No one cares though. I just keep on going, smiling and keeping to myself. I have lost all my friends. I don’t trust anyone anymore. Everyone has left my side. They’re tired of hearing the same old things just like me. I have no friends. Even my best friend has deserted me. She never answers my calls and texts anymore. She’s always either with her boyfriend, family, or working. I understand everyone has a life and when you’re in a relationship you spend less time with friends. I get it. I just wish I had my best friend back. I could use a friend right now. I could use someone to talk to. My family is all twisted in the web of lies of my brother’s addiction. I’ve never felt more alone than lately. Even though I’ve started talking to a cute guy, I fear it won’t last because my life is too stressful to want to be a part of. My ex (Padriac) and I would fight over it all the time. It’s too much for me, how can I ask someone else to be a part of this craziness? I don’t even want to be a part of it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lost for words. All I have is 11-year-old hope that my brother gets better. I have faith that my parents will find happiness again. I have hope and faith for my nephew that he doesn’t feel the way I did and he knows we’re just trying to protect him. I love my family very much. I just don’t love the life I’m living at the moment.

I wish there was a way to see into the future just to see if I make it out of this alive. I use to think that my brother’s addiction would just kill me, now I wonder if it’s going to claim anyone elses lives as well, like mine? Will I not make it through this? Can someone actually die from a broken heart?

Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who can stand by my side and help me through this all. I’m done going through this all alone. I just want someone to protect me and keep me safe. Maybe then I won’t feel like this anymore.

To praying that my brother gets clean,

Just Meg

xoxo

False Alarm!

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Lately, I have been a little tense. So when I came home from work last Thursday to hear a loud noise coming from upstairs, my nerves got the best of me. I heard what sounded like someone walking around the upstairs of my condo, and what sounded like dropping the air conditioner in my sister’s room. I live with my sister, but she wasn’t home from work.

“Hello?” I yelled upstairs. And then I heard a loud sound that echoed the house. I got the hell out of there! I fell on my ass as I jumped back in fright! I got out of the condo, and whipped out of my phone to call my sister.

“Kiki, there’s someone upstairs!”

“Hang up and call the cops then!”imagesCA1B85IZ

I did just that. I dialed 911 and spoke to the dispatcher. As I explained what had happened he told me to go to my car and wait for the officers to get there, and to stay on the line with him until he did.

“Should I go check it out? I have a pocket knife and if you stay on the phone with me, I should be all set, right?” I asked

“Miss, do not go back into your home! And you should not be telling me you have a concealed weapon on you when three officers are on their way to you right now. Just be patient and remain calm.” The dispatcher responded.

A concealed weapon, really? I thought to myself. I spotted my neighbor pulling in next to me, “My neighbor just got home, should I tell him what’s going on?” I asked the dispatcher. “Yes. Tell him to not go out back, until the police get there.” He responded.

So I walked over to my neighbor, who okay I’ll admit it, is pretty cute, and I nonchalantly said, “Hey! Just letting you know that the cops are on their way over here because I came home to someone possibly robbing me upstairs. Just giving you a heads up so you don’t panic when the police get here.” His eyes widen as I told him, “S*&%, are you serious? I better tell my girlfriend to lock the doors.” I told him that was a good idea and as he was walking away I told him to not go out back until the police get here. He stood still for a second and then turned towards me. “I got an email today from the landlord saying that there were people going to be cleaning the gutters. There out back right now. Was it them that you heard?” He asked me. “No, it was coming from inside my place when I came home.” I answered back. He just kind of smiled and walked inside to warn his girlfriend.

imagesCAAHH51UThree police cars pulled up right after. Three officers and a K-9 dog got out. One came up to talk to me, one went out back with the dog, and one stood out by my front door. I was getting nervous and started shaking. I kept thinking that it was one of my brother’s friends coming to look for prescription pills, or it was my abusive ex boyfriend and he had found where I was living now, or it was a total stranger just stealing all of our stuff! The cop who was standing to me asked what happened and I told him what I had told the dispatcher I had spoken with on the phone. The cop with the dog came back up front and stood next to the one that was in standing by my front door. One cop pulled his weapon out and proceeded to go inside my place. My heart raced as I was worried to hear shots fired or screaming and shouting. I had no idea what was about to unfold. imagesCAI5M5LL

Minutes later, the cops came out. My sister was finally home and we were standing there as the cops walked up to us to inform us that there was no one inside and what I had heard was the latter the two men outside were using to clean the gutters!

I felt like a complete idiot! The cops walked us inside to double-check to make sure nothing was missing, which there wasn’t. Then I jumped when I heard the loud sound again. The office then told me that was the guys cleaning our gutters and there was nothing to worry about because they aren’t inside the house.

All in all, the cops were very good about my false alarm. Although, I was just in shock and scared silly, I guess it’s better than actually having someone in the house and stealing our belongings.

Here’s to the guys who clean my gutters,

Just Meg

xoxo

It wasn’t always like this

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It wasn’t always like this…

 

I use to sleep fine at night
Carefree I use to live each day
Walls weren’t put up to guard myself
& sadness wasn’t set in my heart

Until one day when the inevitable truth spilled
From the syringe into your arm
You injected yourself with a poison
That took your soul, but left you alive

The worst kind of death to a loved one
Is to watch them live in a dead body
No soul, no heart, no love
Only darkness from the drugs

Ten years spent clouded with your lifestyle
Yet, you don’t seem to notice what it’s done
Your sickening addiction plots to ruin our family
We strike back with denial, false hope, and love

Now I am a wall flower to my own family
Stuck in the sidelines of your addiction
While we fight to make you better
I fight to stay alive in my own mind

You’ve taken my childhood away
It was spent dealing with your addiction
Yet, that isn’t enough for you
You continue to reap my adult life too

I may not be as strong as you think that poison is
But I will keep fighting for my own life
The addiction you chose to have will inevitably take your life
But I will not let it take mine!

Restlessly I try to sleep at night
Stress and anxiety take my days away
Scared to let people into my life I hide behind walls
Where no one can see the sadness in my heart

It wasn’t always like this…