Trapped in my own personal Hell as I sleep
Whenever I’m stressed I get them. It’s like an old terrifying memory on repeat. It plays over and over and over again. When will the nightmares stop? It’s been over two years since it
happened. It got to the point once where I stayed up for four nights straight. Didn’t sleep for over 48 hours. I got sick from it and really worn down. I’m not scare to sleep anymore. It’s not like I’m seeing anything I haven’t seen before in my sleep. But it still shakes me up. I just want the nightmares to be gone forever and never come back.
It’s the same nightmare each time. But each nightmare it differs from point of view. Sometimes, it’s in my own perspective from the night it actually happened, and others I’m floating over the horrifying scene to see it happening to me from above the bed. That’s the scariest one. That’s the one that gets to me. When I’m floating above I can see how scared I was, how hard I tried to fight back, how much I kept trying to get away. I can see the tears streaming down my face and into my mouth as I’m crying out loud for him to stop. In my nightmare when I’m floating above my attack, I try screaming for someone to come into the room. I know it sounds weird but if I could see what would’ve happened if someone had intervened or tried to help me, I wonder what the outcome would’ve been. Would Drew have tried to kill me for successfully getting help? Would he beat me to death? Would he sitting in a jail cell now? I wish I could save myself in my nightmare. I wish I could have saved myself back then.
I can see everything in my nightmare. Every detail. Every bruise, cut, scratch, red mark, hand print, sweat, tears, facial expressions, I can see it all. I can see him puffing his cheeks out as he continues to violate my body. He never stops. He never even paused for a moment to think about stopping.
When the nightmare is in my own perspective of the night it happened, I say the same things I said that night, “No!” “Stop!” “Please!” “You’re hurting me!” It’s like reliving the worst night of my life in my sleep. I can feel it happening to me all over again. It hurts me like it did that night. I feel every bruise, cut, scratch, red mark, hand print, sweat and my tears. I have to fight back all over again. But I never can stop him. I hate feeling him in my nightmare. I hate seeing him in my nightmares. I hate having to start over again every morning after the nightmare. It’s all in my mind though. It’s not actually happening again to me. I’m trapped in my own mind.
Whenever I’m stressed, it triggers it all. It doesn’t come back in glimpses, or foggy lenses, or even in small amounts. Once that trigger is pulled, its like a bullet of a memory that gets lodged into your mind and you can’t do anything but let it run its course until it’s over.
It makes me so restless the next few days. I’m so tired. All I want to do is sleep but I can’t sleep without seeing it happen. I’m run down right now, and I feel bad because when I’m tired I can be a little moody. My family doesn’t understand.
No one understands. They tell me I need to get over it. They don’t realize it’s not that easy. I’m constantly working to get better. It’s just a hard process. I have a very close family and we all love each other very much. But it’s always been hard for me to reach out when I needed something from them. I don’t like talking to them about things that have happened to me. They all have so much going on and to talk to them about something that happened two years ago seems like such a burden to put on them.
All I want to do is sleep. The past two nights I have crawled into my sister’s room in the middle of the night to sleep in there because I awoke from the nightmares in terror. Whenever I wake up from the nightmare I always feel like either I got free from him in the room and I can escape, or that I got free but he’s coming after me. I hope one day I can put my head down to sleep after a really stressful day and not have to worry about reliving my rape again. I know it won’t be like this forever. It’s just getting harder to deal with now. I just keep pushing off to the side. I can’t keep doing that though because I’m having a hard time with it right now and nobody knows it but me. Once I sleep through the night without having to relive it.
Here’s to hoping I get some actual sleep tonight,