I will always be second to my brother’s heroin addiction.

I will always be second to my brother’s heroin addiction.

Time and time again I express my feelings to my parents how uncomfortable and unsafe I feel around my brother. Time and time again I tell them that I will not go up to their house if he is there. I’ve stood my ground most of the time. However, my protective instinct for my nephew kicks in and I don’t want him to be the one who suffers because of my selfish feelings towards his father. I feel so bad for him. I was his age when his father’s addiction first started shaking up our family’s life. I’ve blocked out so many memories of my brother when I was younger. I guess years of therapy finally paid off in that sense. I didn’t want to remember those memories. They haunted me for years. However, since my brother’s heroin addiction has resurfaced, I find myself revisiting those memories again. Randomly, sporadically, they appear in my mind. I hate it.

I know he’s my brother and I’m suppose to always be there for him, and I feel like I’ve done that. However, I can’t keep living this lifestyle of his. It stresses me out. It makes me stand on edge. In the past month he’s been arrested for an OUI, crashed his car, lost his job, been in rehab twice, and have hurt everyone in my family.

The way he talks to me is cruel. My mother hates the girl who trashes me on twitter, yet she keeps allowing someone who treats me worst, calls me even more terrible names, and makes me feel unsafe, back in her house.

It hurts my feelings that as much as I stand up for every member in my family, they don’t stand up for me. I tell them how he makes me feel and how I stress when he’s around me. They keep allowing him to come back. It’s hard because I feel like they don’t care enough about how I feel or they don’t take it seriously. I’ll always be second to him and his addiction. What about what I’m going through? What about all the trials I’m facing with my own life? Why do I have to just deal with it? What can I do to make them understand how it hurts my feelings when they choose him over me again and again? He screws them over constantly. He insults my mother all the time. I stand up for her each time. He’s let terrible people into his lives. Why doesn’t my dad protect his family and kick my brother out? He’s not safe to be around. He’s dangerous. He’s manipulative. He does this act all the time like clock work. He shoots up -> parents kick him out -> apologizes or goes into a 24 hour rehab -> they let him back in -> he messes up again -> cycle repeats. It never stops.

I feel bad for my parents because I know they blame themselves for his addiction. They shouldn’t because that is all on him. The only thing I blame them for is to keep allowing him in the house.

What about my nephew?

I don’t want him to feel all those feelings that I felt when I was his age going through the same thing. When I was his age, I hated my parents. I knew my brother was doing bad things and I knew they kept allowing him to stay under the same roof as me. It bothered me so much. And as I child I felt like they didn’t care enough about me to protect me or keep me safe. They just kept allowing something wrong continue in their household. It took me a few years to realize that they just loved their son too much to keep putting him out of the house all the time. I feel so bad for them. I was able to move out and escape the constant nights of my brother’s problems. However, they are stuck there. The stress of his addiction ages us all.

I just want it to stop. I want him to get better. However, after almost 11 years of this, I know he’s not going to get better until he wants to get better. He needs to hit rock bottom. He was so close to that and they just let him back in. I can’t keep living in this life, like this. I’m always on edge. I’m always looking over my shoulder. I don’t eat. I barely sleep and when I do I sleep walk, sleep talk, and grind my teeth. No one cares though. I just keep on going, smiling and keeping to myself. I have lost all my friends. I don’t trust anyone anymore. Everyone has left my side. They’re tired of hearing the same old things just like me. I have no friends. Even my best friend has deserted me. She never answers my calls and texts anymore. She’s always either with her boyfriend, family, or working. I understand everyone has a life and when you’re in a relationship you spend less time with friends. I get it. I just wish I had my best friend back. I could use a friend right now. I could use someone to talk to. My family is all twisted in the web of lies of my brother’s addiction. I’ve never felt more alone than lately. Even though I’ve started talking to a cute guy, I fear it won’t last because my life is too stressful to want to be a part of. My ex (Padriac) and I would fight over it all the time. It’s too much for me, how can I ask someone else to be a part of this craziness? I don’t even want to be a part of it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lost for words. All I have is 11-year-old hope that my brother gets better. I have faith that my parents will find happiness again. I have hope and faith for my nephew that he doesn’t feel the way I did and he knows we’re just trying to protect him. I love my family very much. I just don’t love the life I’m living at the moment.

I wish there was a way to see into the future just to see if I make it out of this alive. I use to think that my brother’s addiction would just kill me, now I wonder if it’s going to claim anyone elses lives as well, like mine? Will I not make it through this? Can someone actually die from a broken heart?

Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who can stand by my side and help me through this all. I’m done going through this all alone. I just want someone to protect me and keep me safe. Maybe then I won’t feel like this anymore.

To praying that my brother gets clean,

Just Meg

xoxo

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Nightmares

Trapped in my own personal Hell as I sleep

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Whenever I’m stressed I get them. It’s like an old terrifying memory on repeat. It plays over and over and over again. When will the nightmares stop? It’s been over two years since it happened. It got to the point once where I stayed up for four nights straight. Didn’t sleep for over 48 hours. I got sick from it and really worn down. I’m not scare to sleep anymore. It’s not like I’m seeing anything I haven’t seen before in my sleep. But it still shakes me up. I just want the nightmares to be gone forever and never come back.

It’s the same nightmare each time. But each nightmare it differs from point of view. Sometimes, it’s in my own perspective from the night it actually happened, and others I’m floating over the horrifying scene to see it happening to me from above the bed. That’s the scariest one. That’s the one that gets to me. When I’m floating above I can see how scared I was, how hard I tried to fight back, how much I kept trying to get away. I can see the tears streaming down my face and into my mouth as I’m crying out loud for him to stop. In my nightmare when I’m floating above my attack, I try screaming for someone to come into the room. I know it sounds weird but if I could see what would’ve happened if someone had intervened or tried to help me, I wonder what the outcome would’ve been. Would Drew have tried to kill me for successfully getting help? Would he beat me to death? Would he sitting in a jail cell now? I wish I could save myself in my nightmare. I wish I could have saved myself back then.

 

I can see everything in my nightmare. Every detail. Every bruise, cut, scratch, red mark, hand print, sweat, tears, facial expressions, I can see it all. I can see him puffing his cheeks out as he continues to violate my body. He never stops. He never even paused for a moment to think about stopping.

When the nightmare is in my own perspective of the night it happened, I say the same things I said that night, No!” “Stop!” “Please!” “You’re hurting me!” It’s like reliving the worst night of my life in my sleep. I can feel it happening to me all over again. It hurts me like it did that night. I feel every bruise, cut, scratch, red mark, hand print, sweat and my tears. I have to fight back all over again. But I never can stop him. I hate feeling him in my nightmare. I hate seeing him in my nightmares. I hate having to start over again every morning after the nightmare. It’s all in my mind though. It’s not actually happening again to me. I’m trapped in my own mind.

Whenever I’m stressed, it triggers it all. It doesn’t come back in glimpses, or foggy lenses, or even in small amounts. Once that trigger is pulled, its like a bullet of a memory that gets lodged into your mind and you can’t do anything but let it run its course until it’s over.

just want to feel better

It makes me so restless the next few days. I’m so tired. All I want to do is sleep but I can’t sleep without seeing it happen. I’m run down right now, and I feel bad because when I’m tired I can be a little moody. My family doesn’t understand. No one understands. They tell me I need to get over it. They don’t realize it’s not that easy. I’m constantly working to get better. It’s just a hard process. I have a very close family and we all love each other very much. But it’s always been hard for me to reach out when I needed something from them. I don’t like talking to them about things that have happened to me. They all have so much going on and to talk to them about something that happened two years ago seems like such a burden to put on them.

All I want to do is sleep. The past two nights I have crawled into my sister’s room in the middle of the night to sleep in there because I awoke from the nightmares in terror. Whenever I wake up from the nightmare I always feel like either I got free from him in the room and I can escape, or that I got free but he’s coming after me. I hope one day I can put my head down to sleep after a really stressful day and not have to worry about reliving my rape again. I know it won’t be like this forever. It’s just getting harder to deal with now. I just keep pushing off to the side. I can’t keep doing that though because I’m having a hard time with it right now and nobody knows it but me. Once I sleep through the night without having to relive it.

Here’s to hoping I get some actual sleep tonight,

Just Meg

xoxo