My Mask and Cape

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It’s one of those days. You know the kind. You spent a little longer getting ready in the morning. You’re not only having a good hair day, but a good make-up day too! (Which we all know is usually one or the other) You wear your favorite outfit to give you that extra pop of confidence because you usually feel so good in it! You put in all the effort to make this be a great day, but it’s not a great day.

I wear this never-ending rain cloud over my head well. Most days I can pretend it’s not there and just keep up with attitude that I don’t care and it doesn’t bother me when he stands me up…again. The attitude where I pretend not to hear all the whispers from people as I walk past them. The attitude where I pretend I’m really happy with myself and my life…. But when I’m alone it’s hard to keep the show going. It’s hard being the Entertainer and the Audience at the same time. Especially when the mirror shows the reality of it all. I’m not Super Woman, as much as I like to think I can do it all. I’m not as strong as I appear, as optimistic as I seem to others, or hopeful as I like to wish.

My mind is like a fast pace kaleidoscope, just racing all the time with multiple different thoughts going at once. They never seem to slow down or stop. Even when I’m deep in thought, it’s never a single thought. It’s multiple thoughts that scatter around each other. You think that with as busy and fast pace as my life is, I’d be more apt to move on from things. And I am… in a way. I put things to the side and refuse to think of them by distracting myself with the other million thoughts in my head. But I never deal with it. I just defer it a little longer.

If you were to ever meet me in person and ask if I was over my ex, I would probably laugh and make a funny comment about how much happier I am without him and his lousy performance in the bedroom. However, if you were a fly on the wall when I’m alone, most likely driving and listening to music, you’d see a tear or two slip away from my eyes. You’d see me glance over to my passenger seat on occasion and smile as I replay the memories of him holding my hand in the car, or the memories of him gleaming with happiness that I accepted the invitation to be his girlfriend again and how he couldn’t hide how happy he was and he reached over and kissed my cheek. He always had a way of making me smile. Though the words he last spoke to me still haunt me, it’s hard not to miss his spider veins and the way I felt when he use to hold me. Those last words play like a broken record in the back of my head constantly. “I don’t want you.” “I don’t love you” “I can’t make myself want you.” “I can’t make myself love you.” Deeming me as two of my biggest fears in my life, unwanted and unloved. In all honestly, most days, most nights, fewer car rides alone, I am over my ex. He crushed me. I don’t like to admit that he broke my heart, but he did. I find myself second guessing myself all the time now. Especially now that I’m dating again. And then there was the turn around guy who lit a spark in me that I thought would never again be lit.

My turn around guy. The guy that filled me up again thinking that maybe my ex was wrong. The guy that made me feel like I was special. For the first time in a long time, I felt pretty. I felt happy. I felt wanted. With him, I didn’t have to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I could just be “Meg“. A person that hides from 99% of the people she comes in contact with. A person that comes out when shades are drawn and no ones around. The girl who cries at Disney Princess movies because she wants to feel that special. The girl who laughs at every episode of the Office. The girl who loves chocolate, but hates white chocolate. The girl who wants adventure, but hates to admit she doesn’t want them alone.I didn’t have to wear my mask or my Super Woman cape when I was with him. Just being “Meg“, he told me I was the most genuine and sweet and beautiful person he had ever met. Him and his roommates would call me “Angel” because of how sweet, caring, genuine, and pretty I was. It is one of my favorite nicknames I have ever received from anyone. imagesCAK6SOZD

Needless to say with my over thinking, self-doubt, and awkwardness, things didn’t work out between me and turn around guy. He had someone break his heart too. I honestly believe that if neither of us had our hearts broken before, that there could have been something magical and real between us. But we were both scared of getting hurt again. Scared of seeing the same results. My turn around guy is a great guy and I do wish nothing but happiness for him. However, he ended up letting me down. I believed him, thought he was different, and trusted that he meant what he said. I know he promised with the best of intentions, but he just couldn’t live up to the promises. And with that, he continued to get my hopes up and I would watch them fall, over and over and over again. Towards the end of our little fling, he apologized for everything and wanted to make it up to me and wanted to try again. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But as weeks past and plans continued to fall through and the texts got brief and further apart, I had to come to the realization that every girls hates to reach. If he wanted to be with me, he’d be with me. He’s just not that into me. Sucks to hear, but it’s true. I think he started to talking to someone else. Which sucked too, but it happens. My turn around guy did do something that I will always be thankful for.

He reminded me what butterflies feel like.

I try my hardest, I really do. I know to some it doesn’t seem like it. But I’m trying to keep my head above the water. I’m trying not to drown in it all. I like to think it’s working. Though sometimes I feel I’m getting swept away in the tides. I trust God. I know he’s going to lead me where I need to be, with the people I need to be with.

 I’ll just keep wearing my mask and cape until my own Super Man comes to my rescue and shows me that I am enough without them.

 

To trying to find your way in the world,

Just Meg

xoxo

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Nightmares

Trapped in my own personal Hell as I sleep

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Whenever I’m stressed I get them. It’s like an old terrifying memory on repeat. It plays over and over and over again. When will the nightmares stop? It’s been over two years since it happened. It got to the point once where I stayed up for four nights straight. Didn’t sleep for over 48 hours. I got sick from it and really worn down. I’m not scare to sleep anymore. It’s not like I’m seeing anything I haven’t seen before in my sleep. But it still shakes me up. I just want the nightmares to be gone forever and never come back.

It’s the same nightmare each time. But each nightmare it differs from point of view. Sometimes, it’s in my own perspective from the night it actually happened, and others I’m floating over the horrifying scene to see it happening to me from above the bed. That’s the scariest one. That’s the one that gets to me. When I’m floating above I can see how scared I was, how hard I tried to fight back, how much I kept trying to get away. I can see the tears streaming down my face and into my mouth as I’m crying out loud for him to stop. In my nightmare when I’m floating above my attack, I try screaming for someone to come into the room. I know it sounds weird but if I could see what would’ve happened if someone had intervened or tried to help me, I wonder what the outcome would’ve been. Would Drew have tried to kill me for successfully getting help? Would he beat me to death? Would he sitting in a jail cell now? I wish I could save myself in my nightmare. I wish I could have saved myself back then.

 

I can see everything in my nightmare. Every detail. Every bruise, cut, scratch, red mark, hand print, sweat, tears, facial expressions, I can see it all. I can see him puffing his cheeks out as he continues to violate my body. He never stops. He never even paused for a moment to think about stopping.

When the nightmare is in my own perspective of the night it happened, I say the same things I said that night, No!” “Stop!” “Please!” “You’re hurting me!” It’s like reliving the worst night of my life in my sleep. I can feel it happening to me all over again. It hurts me like it did that night. I feel every bruise, cut, scratch, red mark, hand print, sweat and my tears. I have to fight back all over again. But I never can stop him. I hate feeling him in my nightmare. I hate seeing him in my nightmares. I hate having to start over again every morning after the nightmare. It’s all in my mind though. It’s not actually happening again to me. I’m trapped in my own mind.

Whenever I’m stressed, it triggers it all. It doesn’t come back in glimpses, or foggy lenses, or even in small amounts. Once that trigger is pulled, its like a bullet of a memory that gets lodged into your mind and you can’t do anything but let it run its course until it’s over.

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It makes me so restless the next few days. I’m so tired. All I want to do is sleep but I can’t sleep without seeing it happen. I’m run down right now, and I feel bad because when I’m tired I can be a little moody. My family doesn’t understand. No one understands. They tell me I need to get over it. They don’t realize it’s not that easy. I’m constantly working to get better. It’s just a hard process. I have a very close family and we all love each other very much. But it’s always been hard for me to reach out when I needed something from them. I don’t like talking to them about things that have happened to me. They all have so much going on and to talk to them about something that happened two years ago seems like such a burden to put on them.

All I want to do is sleep. The past two nights I have crawled into my sister’s room in the middle of the night to sleep in there because I awoke from the nightmares in terror. Whenever I wake up from the nightmare I always feel like either I got free from him in the room and I can escape, or that I got free but he’s coming after me. I hope one day I can put my head down to sleep after a really stressful day and not have to worry about reliving my rape again. I know it won’t be like this forever. It’s just getting harder to deal with now. I just keep pushing off to the side. I can’t keep doing that though because I’m having a hard time with it right now and nobody knows it but me. Once I sleep through the night without having to relive it.

Here’s to hoping I get some actual sleep tonight,

Just Meg

xoxo

Benefits of Being Single! Hollah!

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I am so tired of listening to my coworkers, friends, family members, social media, movies, etc. rant and rave about how great relationships are! Good for you all! I’m truly happy for all of you who have someone “special” in their lives. But you know who else I’m happy for? Me and all the single ladies and gents out there! Can I please get a big HELL YEAH for all those people out there who are leading independent and free lives out there?! Instead of listing a bunch of sad depressing country love songs to make us feel terrible for being alone, or listing a bunch of reasons why we can’t find “love”, or talking about how great being a “couple” is, I’m going to shake things up!

Here are some FABULOUS BENEFITS OF BEING SINGLE! (HOLLAH)

  1. Hog the bed! – We (singles) can spread out on that bed, toss and turn, and take up the queen sized bed without have to worry if we’re giving someone else enough space.
  2. No waking up to morning wood poking my ass! – Okay, this one is for single girls mostly. But come on ladies, how annoying is it to wake up with a guy who’s poking you with his little “wake up call” in the butt to get your attention to let you know he’s “UP”.
  3. No waking up to loud snoring in the middle of the night! – I dated a guy who I would’ve sworn was Darth Vader by the way his snoring sounded. It was like Darth Vader choking mixed with a dog barking. So loud and so annoying!
  4. Covers all to ourselves! – I am such a blanket stealer, but my ex was too! So we would sleep fight with each other to get the covers back! Now I can snuggle all up in my blankets all to myself. So cozy!
  5. Get your Flirt on! – We now have the power to flirt with anyone we want, anytime we want, and not feel guilty about making our significant other mad or jealous.
  6. Jealousy is not an issue! – Not having to worry about my partner getting hit on, or worst hitting on someone else, is such a great feeling when you have no one to make jealous or get jealous over.
  7. Money! – Oh, you have to buy your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/partner’s mother something for her birthday? That sucks! I’ll be at the spa, getting pampered with the money I saved by switching to single! 🙂
  8. Not answering to someone all the time! – Don’t need to call, text, message, Facebook, tweet, email, snap, etc. to let them know what I’m doing all the time or where I’m going.
  9. No nasty stank! – Guys can smell! BAD! I’m not saying girls don’t ever smell bad. But, come on, it’s nothing compared to how gross guys smell sometimes. Like who took a shit on you today? No more worries about stinky lovers! 🙂
  10. Time For Friends! – Going out with the ladies or poker night with the guys, we got all the time for our besties out there!
  11. No Pretending to like someone’s family! – Okay, you’re single now, you can admit that his mother wasn’t your favorite in the person to be around. She always made snide comments about you, which he always denied she meant! Now you don’t have to put up with people you don’t like.
  12. Sweatpants Love! – Absolutely love the feeling of coming home after a long day of work and sinking into your favorite pair of sweats! No need to throw on more confined clothes to look good for someone else. Pshh.. Let it all hang out!
  13. No More Faking! – No more faking orgasms to spare feelings. If you don’t got it – no worries. & If you do got it – no need to ask permission to first.
  14. Shaving! – You don’t need to shave every single day. You decide when and where you want to shave.
  15. Insecurities! – No insecurities to deal with except your own.
  16. No Sharing! – Eat that chocolate molten cake all to yourself! You don’t need to share it with anyone 🙂
  17. No More Excuses To Get Out Of Sex! – You don’t have to make up that you might be PMSing, or have cramps or a headache anymore!
  18. The Remote Control! – You get that bad boy all to yourself! No one else gets a say on what to watch. Friends Marathon? I think so 🙂
  19. No Annoying Habits To Deal With! –  That one is pretty self-explanatory 😉
  20. Only Messes To Clean Are Your Own! – No more picking up his dirty socks or doing his dirty dishes.
  21. Toilet Seat! – It only moves when you move it. No more falling into the toilet in the middle of the night when you have to pee because he left the lid up!
  22. Sex! – Yes, single people still have sex. Sometimes more than couples.
  23. Pleasuring Yourself! – Go for it! No one else cares anymore if you are getting the job done yourself. No feelings to spare. Only your feelings to care to!
  24. Movies! – Love being able to watch as many chic flicks or romantic comedies as I want without listening to someone complaining or proving how that could never happen in real life.
  25. Hobbies! – Spending more time doing what you really love.
  26. Adventures! – Going on random crazy adventures with your friends!
  27. Security! – Never having to wonder if the other person loves you, misses you, finds you attractive, is cheating on you, thinks of other people in bed, is going to dump you, etc.
  28. Travel! – Traveling where the hell you want because you don’t have to worry about leaving someone behind or someone getting jealous over your adventures.
  29. Confidence!  – Being single is a great way to build your own confidence, instead of it relying on someone else who may up and leave someday!
  30. Yourself! – Getting to know yourself is the best benefit of being single in the whole world! Learning about yourself, what you like, what you don’t like, where you want to go, what you want to see, who you want to be, etc. The best gift you can give yourself, is being single long enough to really know who you are as a single human being. Because we all know we change a little when we’re with someone else.

I could literally keep talking about how awesome being single is, but I think you all get my point. Be proud of how independent and awesome you are! Go out tonight and have a toast to celebrate your single fabulous life! You only have a small amount of years single, before the rest of your life spending it with someone else. Enjoy being single. Don’t dwell on how great it could be enjoying your life with someone else. Life is great when you’re alone too! Life isn’t going to be any easier just because you have someone to sleep next to at night. Don’t let your happiness depend on anyone else but yourself.

To Being Single & Fabulous,

Just Meg

xoxo

Hotties at the gym! (Why it’s hard to talk to guys at the gym)

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“The gym is the watering hole for singles”  – Um, who the heck said that?

 

 

I go to the gym about 3-4 times a week and let me say it is hard to look attractive and sexy while you’re running on the treadmill dripping sweat and huffing and puffing like you’re about to blow the gym down. Because when I go to the gym, get this, I actually work out! I know, shocker! Whenever I see girls on TV or in movies working out at the gym, I’m like there is NO WAY in hell you look that skinny and barely sweating after a work out. I’ve tried running, cycling, elliptical, and some group exercise classes. Yet I’ve still never left the gym without sweat dripping down my face! I’ve got to admit, I’m proud of that, because it means I’m actually working out.

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*Note to anyone who’s busting their ass to get in shape: If you look like a sweaty hot mess after – you’re doing it right! :)*

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Now with that said, let me explain how my gym is set up a little. There are two rows of treadmills placed directly next to the lifting section, where we all know is where 90% of the guys at the gym are. And we also know, that there is something sexy about a hunky, muscular and toned man lifting and working out. Though, I could go without the loud grunting noises from the overly swollen guys who are trying way too hard. We get it – You can open any jar in your house!

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Anyways, back to the hunkies that don’t grunt every time they pick up a weight. They are directly in front of the treadmills, which we all know is where about 80% of the girls in the gym are. So we (girls), have perfect views of the guys muscles tightening when they lift, and the guys have perfect views of our “girls” bouncing up and down as we run on the treadmill. It’s the perfect set up really. This gym clearly knew what we wanted as motivation when we run.

If I had Brody Jenner, Ryan Reynolds, Channing Tatum, John Krasinski, Zac Efron, Will Smith, Trey Songz, Ryan Lochte and/or Ryan Gosling working out in front of me, let’s just say the treadmill would be the only thing keeping me from just running towards them! 🙂

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So back to why it’s so hard to approach anyone at the gym. Though my gym has a great set up, and there is a great number of very attractive men, there’s one problem. Why would anyone want to approach a sweaty mess at the gym? I mean, seriously? Especially when we’re running on the treadmills. When I’m running I’m usually  jamming out to a fast paced song, reading the captions on ESPN (I love sports), and trying not to trip or fall off the treadmill. Unfortunately, that has happened to me quite a few times. I’m a bit clumsy. 🙂

Here’s what usually happens to me when I see a cute guy at the gym and he notices me.

Me: (On the treadmill sweating like a sinner in Church – Like a really bad sinner!) *In the middle of mouthing a Nicki Minaj rap part in a song*

Hunky McHunkerson: *looks at me and smiles*

Me: *Smiles back and then chuckles to myself because I’m excited and can’t hide it very well*

Hunky McHunkerson: Takes a drink from his water bottle and then smiles at me AGAIN!

Me: Okay, now I’m just super excited I could dance but I’m running so I can’t do that. I’m starting to lose focus so I put all my energy into running faster…which makes me sweat more.

Hunky McHunkerson: Continues working out and notices me when I’m laying on the floor from exhaustion and walks over me to get the blonde toothpick who apparently doesn’t have sweat glands!

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Okay, I’ve never laid on the floor at the gym. But the rest is pretty accurate. Meeting cute people at the gym is hard. Especially when you actually work out at the gym, because then you sweat. And if you’re anything like me, then you know you’re not quite looking your best when you’re hot and sweaty!

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But let’s just admit that we’ve all been the girl on the right in this photo! Where we just don’t want to do anything physical unless it involves one of our Motivational Hotties! 🙂

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Oh well, I’ll just use Hunky McHunkerson as eye candy and motivation as I run towards Brody Jenner in my mind 🙂

 

Please enjoy the pictures of hot men I included in this post. They keep me motivated to keep in shape! I want to marry someone who looks like them! 🙂

(Try not to drool on your keyboards 😉 )

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Take a minute to place your vote in the poll to see who’s the number one “Motivation Hottie”!

 

To sweating at the gym because you’re actually working your ass off,

Just Meg

xoxo

What “hooking up” is really like in college! (told thru GIFs)

We’ve all been there! Drunk and lonely and in the mist of the alcohol induced excitement, you go home with a guy you danced with at the party. It’s the first time “hooking up” with someone you weren’t dating. It’s exciting and awkward as you leave with him back to his place! Don’t hold too much shame in yourself walking those steps back to your place the next morning. We’ve all been there!

Here’s what “hooking up” is really like in college… Shown thru some hilarious GIFs.

 

 

Your roommate drags you to a Frat Party, that the guy she’s been Facebook stalking since Freshmen Orientation, is pledging to.

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You guys start dancing with some frat guys and are too drunk to notice how they’re actually dancing with you.college

 

Then the hot guy you saw playing beer pong earlier, catches you looking at him.

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He walks over and you manage not to make a complete fool of yourself. You guys actually start hitting it off when he asks if you want to go back to his dorm to “hang out”. You get a good vibe from him and feel comfortable and safe with him.

So you’re all like…

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While, he sends a text to his roommate not to come back to the dorm that night, you let your roommate know what’s going down, by giving her the “signal” you guys came up with in the beginning of the year incase anything like this happened. (which you swore it probably wouldn’t use because you “weren’t the kind of girl to just go back to some random guy’s place to get it ON“)

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You guys are back at his place, and you skip the small talk and get right to business.

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Then, right before things start to heat up, you hear your mother’s voice in your head saying something like…

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In which you respond in your head to that voice like this…

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Then you get back to business with the hot beer pong champion guy (classy I know)

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and then you guys head to the bed to start… you know…

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Unfortunately, you’re both drunk, so in your head you’re thinking the sex is like this…

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When in reality it’s more like this…

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Once you guys are done… you kind of lay there next to each other… in awkward silence…

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You guys kind of chuckle to each other, make some comments, like “that was great”. And then he falls asleep… while you’re wide awake and start to feel guilty for what you did…

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(Which you’re not! It’s not like you do this every night!)

You finally drift off to sleep after noticing his poor choice of movie posters and naked girl lay outs on his wall. The next morning you wake up before him. Now’s your chance… sneak out of there!

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But that fails… You wake him up in the process of trying to climb over him to get out of the bed. You make some awkward small talk about how hungover you both are…

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Once you’ve gotten dressed, exchanged numbers, and finished the awkward line of, “I’ll see you around”, you proceed towards your walk of shame back to your own dorm. Which for girls is like this…

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While the walk of shame for guys is more like this…

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Once you get back to your dorm, your roommate pesters you with a TON of questions! She wants every detail and all you can really say is…

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You tell your friend everything! And you guys laugh up your big “hooking up” adventure! 

She makes me you feel less guilty and less slutty!

Which is what friends are for! 🙂

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Was that anything like your first hook up experience? Tell your story here! 🙂

 

To disobeying our mother’s rules in college,

(Just kidding Mom! LOL)

To making the best of college memories,

Just Meg

xoxo

Background

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I was not abused by a member of my family.

I was not abused by a stranger in the streets.

I was not abused by a teacher, coach, or an adult I trusted.

I was abused by a boyfriend.

 

I was 18 years old, a senior in high school, homecoming queen, and voted “Most School Spirit” in my class yearbook. Things were looking pretty great for me that last year of High School. I was hanging out with friends, going to all the school functions, attending all the school games, and just enjoying my senior year as much as possible. However, I was lonely. Out most of my friends, I was the only one without a boyfriend. I tagged along with all the couples to the games, movies, and parties. As much fun as I was having that year, I really wanted to feel what all my friends were feeling. I wanted the butterflies and the up all night phone calls. I never really dated much. I had boyfriends here and there, but nothing really special. I had a fling with one of my close guy friends, Stephen, on and off since freshmen year, but we had never seriously dated. Once the holiday season started rolling in and snow started covering the ground, I was starting to get lonelier. That’s when I started to talk to him.

Before I continue, this was one of the mistakes in my life I truly regret. This doesn’t mean I deserved what followed from this guy, but it’s just one thing that I will never do again. Don’t date someone just because you’re lonely. Date someone because you want to be them.

I met “Drew” years before; we rode the bus together throughout grade school until he graduated. He was two years older. He wasn’t exactly my “Prince Charming” but I didn’t want to be lonely anymore.

Drew messaged me on Facebook and so our story began…

imagesCA7MRD4THe wasn’t like most guys I had gone out with in the past. He was a quieter, really shy, and a little more pessimistic. I had always dated athletes and jocks. He was neither. He was living with his parents, going to a community college nearby, and had no hopes and dreams about his future. That soon changed after we started dating. He started trying to control me. He became possessive and after two weeks of dating, told me that he knew he wanted to marry me and be with each other forever. I was only 18; I wasn’t making plans for forever. It was hard enough to see past Friday nights, let alone, forever. No one had ever said something like that to me, as much as it startled me, it made me feel special.

Drew knew that I had never been serious with a guy before. He knew that I was vulnerable and going through a lot of stress getting ready to graduate and make plans for college. He also knew that I was feeling pretty low about myself. And he used that against me.

The first two weeks we dated, were pure bliss. He was nice to me, always complimenting me, buying me flowers and gifts, taking me out to dinner, and posting on Facebook how happy and lucky he was to have found me. He told me he loved me. I felt special, important, and something that I had been longing for, wanted. I had always struggled with feeling wanted in life. He was starting to make me feel like that.

imagesCAD44Y3SThen things changed.

He started getting mad at me all the time. He cried almost every single day, multiple times a day. He made me feel guilty for wanting to hang out with my friends. He made me feel guilty for wanting to just spend some time with my family and not hang out with him one night. He would have these fits of rage and start crying, demanding I leave where ever I was and come to him because he needed me. I felt bad all the time. He was always complaining about something I did, something I said, what I was wearing, how I was wearing my hair, too much makeup, not enough makeup, eating too much, not eating enough, talking to my friends too much. He timed how long it took me to drive to school and back. He would accuse me of seeing other people or hanging out with my friends if it took me even two minutes longer than it should have. He yelled at me every day and every night. He made fun of me all the time. He would scream in my face, calling me hurtful names. Telling me I was lucky he even wanted me because no one else would ever want me. I foolishly believed every word that he said. No guy had ever told me he loved me before. I thought love couldn’t lie. I thought love didn’t hurt. But, he didn’t love me. He was obsessed with me.

But it didn’t stop there.imagesCA3TVARS

He started grabbing my wrists when he screamed in my face. He’d shove me into the corner of his basement until I winced. Then he would smile, give me a hug and then tell me he loved me. That was just the beginning though. The weeks that followed were full of blows towards my body and my pride. I fought back as much as I could. But, it got useless towards the end. He always over powered me. He was older, bigger, and stronger than I was. I remember the last week we were together, I just sat there, on the edge of his bed, didn’t even put up an arm to defend myself, when he slapped me across the face for receiving a text from “Stephen” asking about the homework assignment.

imagesCAM3VBL1But it didn’t stop there.

After about three weeks of us being together, he escalated very quickly. It was by far, one of the worst nights in my entire life. We had one of our biggest fights ever that night. We were screaming at each other trying to prove our own points. I don’t quite remember what the fight was initially about. I do remember that I was trying to stand up for myself. In the middle of the fight, my mom called to see how late I would be. I told her I wouldn’t be late, exchanged “I love you” and hung up.  Drew was furious with me for answering the phone when he was in the middle of talking to me. He ripped the phone out of my hands and threw it across the room. It hit the basement walls and then fell to the floor, where my iPhone screen shattered. He got really violent that night. I remember him grabbing me on the arms and continued shoving me into the wall that my phone had hit. I was crying at this point. I told him I was sorry and he stopped and apologized and kissed me. We went upstairs to his living room. I remember him putting in the movie “Salt” he had rented from Netflix. We laid on the couch and started to watch it. My body hurt all over. My head was throbbing. My stomach was tossing and turning with nausea. I was so tired from fighting. Within 10 minutes of the movie, I started to fall asleep. I don’t know how long I was out for. All I know is that when I awoke, I was now in a nightmare. Only I wasn’t sleeping, so I couldn’t escape by waking up.

Before I opened my eyes, I could feel that I wasn’t on the couch anymore. I could hear Drew’s bedroom door knob locking. I could smell his sweat as he came closer to me. I could taste the musty air of his bedroom. When I opened my eyes, Drew had started undressing himself. I had never seen him undress before. We had only made out. I wasn’t ready to have sex with him. I was confused. I didn’t know how I got into his room to begin with, or why I was even there. I started to sit up, to ask him why, when he jumped at the edge of his bed. “What’s going on?” I asked him, “How did I get into your room?” I demanded. I was starting to get nervous, but I didn’t know why. “I want to show you just how much I love you.”  he hissed back at me. “I want to f&*% you until you feel how much I love you.”  My stomach started twisting in knots. My heart started throbbing. “I’m not ready to have to sex with you. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to just yet. I want to wait until we’ve dated longer. We’ve barely been together a month. I just think -”  I was cut off by him grabbing my legs from the end of his bed where he stood. “Drew, I’m serious.” “Stop!”  “No!”  Each time I protested I was cut off by his selfish and demanding words. I’m not going to go into detail about what he did to me. But I will say, he didn’t stop.images

My story continues, but this is just the background of my relationship with Drew. Going forward, I was able to escape the abuse and end the relationship with Drew. I will continue to post more about what happened in my relationship with him, along with ways that help get me through recovering from it.

I am not a victim to anyone or anything.

I am a survivor.

To anyone who is reading this blog and has been hurt by someone in their life, you are not alone. It is not your fault that they hurt you. You did not deserve to be violated. Don’t believe what those terrible people said to you. You are beautiful. You are worth a hell of a lot more than those that hurt you! Believe in yourself. Recovery from the abuse isn’t easy. But if you are strong enough to survive the abuse, then you are strong enough to recover. 

No one has the right to hurt you in any way. 

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To finding hope,

Just Meg

xoxo

Hmmm better not…

Today, out of the blue, it happened. A moment of weakness struck me and I relapsed. I thought about him. I thought about my ex.

However, the thoughts I had weren’t evil nor mean. They were just thoughts. But can a thought about an ex, really just be a thought? If I could think about him and our memories of being a couple without actually having any feelings for the guy, it wouldn’t bother me so much. That’s what gets us, though. It’s the not the thought of how he use to stare at you while you read your kindle in bed, it’s the feeling you had when you would catch him making that face. You know that face that every guy makes when you can just tell he really loves you. The face he started giving you before he actually spoke the words that you keep in your mind like a broken record to play over and over again.

“I love you”

Terrifying words aren’t they? So bare and naked. Just stumbling out of his mouth one night and shook my world up like a hurricane. Those words aren’t suppose to be terrifying, rather peaceful and delicate. Similar to an orchid, just floating elegantly in the water without disturbance. One day I’ll get my orchid.

I wish there was a way to warn yourself that he’s going to pop up in your mind that day. So you can dodge it or avoid the trigger to remind yourself of him. Life would be so much better if you can program your mind to have a virus detector for relationships.
“Your brain suspected a thought of THE EX, so we took care of the issue and removed it’s content from your thought process.”

Done. Problem solved. But that’s not the way life works. We have to handle these situations and thoughts when they arise. I’ve always been one to just deal with things internally. Look happy and fine on the outside. A giant mess on the inside. It’s how I dealt with so much growing up, that it’s caused so many problems for me now. It caused problems with me and my ex.

So as my thought about him continued earlier, I had to remind myself that he wasn’t a great boyfriend. He wasn’t that guy I fell for anymore. He lied to me. He cheated on me. He broke endless amounts of promises. He broke my heart. That’s when the BIG thought came into my mind. I thought about confronting him about what he did.

I had it all planned out in my head. Park my car in the parking lot at his work, wait for him to walk to his car and then walk over to him, looking super hot, and catch him off guard. I wouldn’t yell or shout or swear. I would be calm, but I would be straight forward. Knowing how cowardly he really is, he’d probably be scared of me and worry I would cause a scene. But, I wouldn’t. I would ask him, “Why did you cheat on me?“, “Was it worth it?“, “How could you sleep with your best friend’s girlfriend?“, and “Why did you beg for me to date you to only cheat on me the whole time?“. I could see him at first denying it, but then giving me some bulls*&* excuse and story that I wouldn’t buy. Then I would end it by telling him that he made the wrong choice. He chose the wrong girl. He made a huge mistake. I feel sorry for him that he has sunken so low. He’d look at me all hurt and angry as I said, “Good-bye” and not “see you when I see you“. When we first started dating we promised we would never say good-bye to each other. It would always be “see you when I see you“. But I wouldn’t want to see him again so I would say “Good-bye”.

But then Fat Amy’s voice came over my thought intercom and said “Hmmm, better not…”. So I didn’t. Though, I honestly considered confronting him. I haven’t yet. Maybe one day I will gain the courage to stand up to him. But it wasn’t today. He lied to me our entire relationship, why would he start telling me the truth now? I don’t trust him enough to be honest with me.

Fat Amy

So here’s to wishful thinking and playful imaginations,

Just Meg

xoxo

The Ex Files

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The only respect I have left for my ex is privacy, so I will be changing his name to “Pathetic Loser“. Lol JK! I wish I could, I might refer to him as that quite frequently, but from this point on “Pathetic Loser” will also be disclosed as “Padriac“.

So here’s the scoop on Padriac, he is a pathetic loser. I’ve always left on good terms with my exes, but this one is hard not have a little sizzle of resentment and anger towards. Mostly because the guys I dated before him I only dated them for a few months. But Padriac and I were together for almost 2 years. And, to be honest, the first year was great.

I started dating Padriac at the end of my senior year of High School. He was a year below me, and we had gym class together. I know – super cheesey looking back at it all. lol. But nonetheless, there was something about Padriac that drew me towards him that year. When we first started dating we would swap stories of how we both liked each other for a while, but had both been too nervous to approach the other. That was however, until we had gym class together. Padriac would tell me how he use to puff out his shoulders when he walked passed me in the halls at school, and I would joke that I would try not to notice him walking by me. We were young, and had thought to be in love.

Needless to say, those days came to a haulting end. After our first year together, things got hard. Fights had begun to happen almost on a daily basis. Mostly from my end. I stopped trusting him. He had started lying to me. When he went away to college that Fall, things got worst. The lying got worst.

I tried to end it because I knew what was to come and I didn’t want us to hate each other in the long run. When I tried to end it with him, the words staggered out of my mouth like sharp boulders stabbing me with each word. Padriac fell to his knees and begged me not to give up on him, not to give up on us. He was crying hysterically and told me that things would get better and it was just a matter of time. Then he spoke the words that every girl dreams of hearing, but hearing it at the right time. Padriac had told me he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. My heart sank, and I started crying along side him. At that point in our relationship, I was sure I loved him, so I said I wanted that too. His face lit up the way it use to when he saw me. I hadn’t seen that in him that whole summer. I think that’s one of things that hurt the most. That I slowly saw the passion he once had for me, leave his heart.

So let’s cut to the chase of why he is pathetic loser! One week after dropping to his knees, crying like a baby, and telling me how he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me – HE BROKE UP WITH ME! Yeah apparently SO MUCH had changed in two days. That’s how long it had been since the pathetic loser had begged me to stay with him, and that’s how long it took him to be tagged in pictures on Facebook in another girls dorm room at 3 in the morning when he told me he was sick and in bed and couldn’t talk. (We’ll name that girl, “Tory”. She’s going to come back into play later in this story) So after a long phone call, we decided to take a break for a few days to cool off. He was coming home that weekend, we had made plans to go out Friday night and we’d talk about it and work it out.

Now, before I continue I need to mention my dog. My dog had been with my family and I for 13 long great years and had gotten really sick. We had to put him down the day after Padriac came home.

Now back to the pathetic loser, he came home like planned, and came over to my house. He came in to say good-bye to my dog, and then we went to his car. Where, oh yeah – he broke up with me. Now, I’ve never been the girl to cause a scene or act crazy per say, but this pissed me off! A week ago you were begging me on your hands and knees to stay with you, and telling me that you want to marry me, and now you’re breaking up with me? What kind of mind games was he playing? And to break up with me the night before we put my dog down? Screw you jack-ass!! I took off that ring he put on my finger and threw it at his face and told him to “eat s***”. Looking back at this in retrospect, I think it’s kind of funny. lol. But back then, I was crushed and heartbroken. I just made it through the doors when I fell to the ground in tears. I could literally feel my heart breaking. And he just drove off.

It was about almost two months of Ben & Jerry’s therapy when I started to feel a little better. Anyone who has been through a rough break up knows it’s incredibly hard to move on. But I was trying. I had started going on dates, I had lost 15 pounds, and was looking pretty good. And then it happened. He called. He was back from break and wanted to see me. I agreed. Nothing happened but it was hard being around him. He talked to me constantly when he was home. Then when he left back for school after break was over, and I didn’t hear from him. Until, he came home for Christmas Break. Then it happeend again. The pathetic loser I still had feelings for called. We hung out about twice, before he kissed me. And I swear I am not lying when I tell you, I was so stressed, nervous, excited, and confused that when he kissed me, my nose started bleeding! LOL! He helped me clean it up, and then I had to ask. “Why did you kiss me?”. And he told me he had been missing me. Which is what everyone wants to hear from an ex they still have feelings for. After a long conversation we decided to start seeing each other again. It didn’t go very well. We stopped a few weeks later when he went back to school. Then he came home for Spring Break. And wouldn’t you know? It happened again! He called me and wanted to see me. But this time, he wanted me back “for good” he claimed. He asked me back out. Just to be clear here – I said no. A few times. But he promised me to the moon and back that he had changed and he was here to say. So in a moment of weakness, I said yes.

Here’s where he reached a whole new level of being a pathetic loser and reached top notch DOUCHEBAG!!! He broke up with me the day before his break ended and he went back to school. I was DONE! He told me that he “didn’t want me anymore” “couldn’t make himself love me anymore” “I just wasn’t what he wanted” and oh my favorite “this hurts me more than it is hurting you”. & the Biggest Douchebag award goes to ….. PADRIAC!

Well as lovely as all those excuses sound, one of his friends from school called me a week later and told me what really happened…

                       Padriac had been cheating on me with his best friend’s girlfriend. Remember that girl Tory? Yeah he had taken MY CAR the night before we broke up and went to see her and fooled around with her in MY CAR! Meanwhile, I was at home, throwing up and waiting for him to bring me back a blue powerade – which he returned three hours later without! And oh to make matters even worst – HE STARTED DATING HIS BEST FRIEND’S GIRLFRIEND within days after we broke up!

As for his friends, I’m on great terms with them. I even hang out with a few of them now. Because they respected me enough to let me know what was going when my douchebag boyfriend was too sleezy to inform me that he had been screwing some other girl.

So if my pathetic loser douchebag ex ever reads this Thank you for ending it with me. Because I would’ve stayed with you and I would’ve married you. And you would’ve hurt me all over again. Thanks to you – I’m going to find someone better and who actually gives a damn about me! And you –  you are stuck lying in the bed you made, with your best friends girlfriend. Good Luck with that!

 

Thank you for making me realize I am worth so much more than you ever had to offer me 🙂

To New Beginnings,

Just Meg

xoxo