I will always be second to my brother’s heroin addiction.

I will always be second to my brother’s heroin addiction.

Time and time again I express my feelings to my parents how uncomfortable and unsafe I feel around my brother. Time and time again I tell them that I will not go up to their house if he is there. I’ve stood my ground most of the time. However, my protective instinct for my nephew kicks in and I don’t want him to be the one who suffers because of my selfish feelings towards his father. I feel so bad for him. I was his age when his father’s addiction first started shaking up our family’s life. I’ve blocked out so many memories of my brother when I was younger. I guess years of therapy finally paid off in that sense. I didn’t want to remember those memories. They haunted me for years. However, since my brother’s heroin addiction has resurfaced, I find myself revisiting those memories again. Randomly, sporadically, they appear in my mind. I hate it.

I know he’s my brother and I’m suppose to always be there for him, and I feel like I’ve done that. However, I can’t keep living this lifestyle of his. It stresses me out. It makes me stand on edge. In the past month he’s been arrested for an OUI, crashed his car, lost his job, been in rehab twice, and have hurt everyone in my family.

The way he talks to me is cruel. My mother hates the girl who trashes me on twitter, yet she keeps allowing someone who treats me worst, calls me even more terrible names, and makes me feel unsafe, back in her house.

It hurts my feelings that as much as I stand up for every member in my family, they don’t stand up for me. I tell them how he makes me feel and how I stress when he’s around me. They keep allowing him to come back. It’s hard because I feel like they don’t care enough about how I feel or they don’t take it seriously. I’ll always be second to him and his addiction. What about what I’m going through? What about all the trials I’m facing with my own life? Why do I have to just deal with it? What can I do to make them understand how it hurts my feelings when they choose him over me again and again? He screws them over constantly. He insults my mother all the time. I stand up for her each time. He’s let terrible people into his lives. Why doesn’t my dad protect his family and kick my brother out? He’s not safe to be around. He’s dangerous. He’s manipulative. He does this act all the time like clock work. He shoots up -> parents kick him out -> apologizes or goes into a 24 hour rehab -> they let him back in -> he messes up again -> cycle repeats. It never stops.

I feel bad for my parents because I know they blame themselves for his addiction. They shouldn’t because that is all on him. The only thing I blame them for is to keep allowing him in the house.

What about my nephew?

I don’t want him to feel all those feelings that I felt when I was his age going through the same thing. When I was his age, I hated my parents. I knew my brother was doing bad things and I knew they kept allowing him to stay under the same roof as me. It bothered me so much. And as I child I felt like they didn’t care enough about me to protect me or keep me safe. They just kept allowing something wrong continue in their household. It took me a few years to realize that they just loved their son too much to keep putting him out of the house all the time. I feel so bad for them. I was able to move out and escape the constant nights of my brother’s problems. However, they are stuck there. The stress of his addiction ages us all.

I just want it to stop. I want him to get better. However, after almost 11 years of this, I know he’s not going to get better until he wants to get better. He needs to hit rock bottom. He was so close to that and they just let him back in. I can’t keep living in this life, like this. I’m always on edge. I’m always looking over my shoulder. I don’t eat. I barely sleep and when I do I sleep walk, sleep talk, and grind my teeth. No one cares though. I just keep on going, smiling and keeping to myself. I have lost all my friends. I don’t trust anyone anymore. Everyone has left my side. They’re tired of hearing the same old things just like me. I have no friends. Even my best friend has deserted me. She never answers my calls and texts anymore. She’s always either with her boyfriend, family, or working. I understand everyone has a life and when you’re in a relationship you spend less time with friends. I get it. I just wish I had my best friend back. I could use a friend right now. I could use someone to talk to. My family is all twisted in the web of lies of my brother’s addiction. I’ve never felt more alone than lately. Even though I’ve started talking to a cute guy, I fear it won’t last because my life is too stressful to want to be a part of. My ex (Padriac) and I would fight over it all the time. It’s too much for me, how can I ask someone else to be a part of this craziness? I don’t even want to be a part of it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m lost for words. All I have is 11-year-old hope that my brother gets better. I have faith that my parents will find happiness again. I have hope and faith for my nephew that he doesn’t feel the way I did and he knows we’re just trying to protect him. I love my family very much. I just don’t love the life I’m living at the moment.

I wish there was a way to see into the future just to see if I make it out of this alive. I use to think that my brother’s addiction would just kill me, now I wonder if it’s going to claim anyone elses lives as well, like mine? Will I not make it through this? Can someone actually die from a broken heart?

Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who can stand by my side and help me through this all. I’m done going through this all alone. I just want someone to protect me and keep me safe. Maybe then I won’t feel like this anymore.

To praying that my brother gets clean,

Just Meg


4 thoughts on “I will always be second to my brother’s heroin addiction.

  1. My brother and step brothers (four boys in total) behaved the exact same way, all with drug and alcohol addictions and I was being raped in the middle of it all, in my own home and my mother did nothing to stop any of it. I wish I could give you some advice that was sound and insightful but I can’t because what youโ€™re in is nothing more than a total mess. I walked away from entire family, 20 years ago, and never looked back. I’ve gone to college, gotten married, had children and build and family and a wonderful life of my own since then and don’t regret it a bit but it’s not for everyone. What I will say though is to work hard, get educated, and live a life where others respect you and admire you for the person you are. Always keep a good character and let it speak for itself because with that, you will never need any of them and you will always be able to take care of you. All the best to you, Meg.

    • Thank you so much kerrichronichles! I’ve thought a lot about the choice that you did and I’ll let you know if I ever do it. Thank you for that advice! I’m glad that you got out and have a wonderful life and a great family! You are one of the lucky few to escape the mayhem of dealing with siblings drug addiction! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Dear meg, im a sister to a heroin addict too. Its hell. So many mixed emotions all the time, stress and destroyin of bonds within the family. Combine it with wanting my brother to get well, loving him and being angry at him, its enough to drive anyone insane. Its hard and this has been ongoing for me since I was 11, im now 35. Ive recently begun going to alanon, ill prob also find a narcanon meeting but the steps are the same. Its been my life saver. Are there any close to where you are? Your parents love you both. They are likely co-dependant and need help themselves. They probably cannot simply see that you need their love and care too as to them you aren’t drowning as visibly as your brother. I cant tell you what to do of course, but I can only say that going to alanon, (my mum has also started going) is already showing positive changes. My mum and I communicate better…small steps but in the right direction. As im beginning to learn, eventhough is hard for me as overthe years Ive become so controlling, I cant change others but by changing myself the dynamics of relationships change and then others change. I wish you all the luck in the world. Yasmine

    • Thank you Yasmine! As much as I’m sorry you had to go through it all too, it’s nice knowing that there are others out there who have gone through it so I don’t feel so alone. I’ve been thinking about going to alanon and after reading that I think it’s safe to say that I’ve finally made up my mind and will join one soon. Thank you so much! ๐Ÿ™‚

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